The low tone that is always sounding...

How do I express how I’m feeling? Can words do it justice? It’s like a string of pain reverberates in a low tone deep inside of me. Usually, I don’t hear the low rumbling with all the beautiful melodies that play each passing day. A smile, a flirty moment, a glorious day with my family. The thought of love, the reaffirmation of my identity, the hope that each day brings. But in those moments when the world goes silent and my mind loses focus for one brief moment, the reverberating lulls into place and slowly takes over. That’s when I feel this way. When I physically feel that low vibrating inside of me. While it no longer hurts, it does leave me wondering and feeling slightly more empty. So much has changed in one brief year. I fell in love, I felt heartbreak, I felt lost, I regained focus. I learned so much about myself and where my flaws need polishing, mending, and refining. (Don’t worry, my usual new year reflections and resolutions are underway.) I see so very many things that could use changing, that require action- but will I move? Do I have the courage to place my fragile, crackling leaf on the edge of that vast lake and push it in the water? Where will it go? What if it sinks? What if it doesn’t even move? Of course, these are all natural fears and doubts. But as soon as I let them out I shake my head at myself. Nothing changes if I don’t try. And failure is nothing to fear. But it could be such an easy excuse to stay stagnate. But I refuse to settle.

You know, I hope the low bumble goes away. But I think it’s there to remind me that there is more out there for me to give. Yes, I know that its hum began a little after my heart started dripping away but my heart no longer drips for that boy. More than anything, I know that I have so much to offer and I can’t wait to do so; I don’t mind the wait, I never have. Yet that string plays its low note.

Well, my mind is finally back at work and a passing memory provoked a smile and a lightly uplifting melody. I’ll humor it and drift into a few more thoughts. And so the rumbling fades until its next recognizable moment.