always the date, never the dated

Haha so it seems. I had a really fun date last night with someone I hadn't seen in a very long time. He was passing through Las Vegas. Apparently he passes through quite a bit. Sound familiar? It definitely does to me... 

And still I don't know what to do. 

A part of me just wants to push everyone away. It would hurt a lot less. It would be my way of saying, "Ha! Take that! I don't need you or you or you. Who needs someone in their life to make them happy? Not me." That might be true. I definitely believe that happiness is not dependent upon others. I also believe that others can add to happiness and fulfillment. I want to be vulnerable. I want to show others I care. I want to help them feel special and recognize their amazingness. I want to keep myself open to the possibility of love....because it is worth it. But the path to love can be painful.

I'm a bit upset. I am VERY confused. Why can't guys communicate better?

"Oh, you don't want me anymore? Cool, thanks for telling me. Now I can move on without any hesitation. I appreciate your honesty and courage."

"You need some space? Awesome! I can totally do that for you! That helps me know what you need and I want to meet your needs."

"We're doing good? Ok, cool. That's all I needed to know, now I can rest easy and do my thing. Thank you for comforting me." 

It really isn't that difficult to tell someone what you want. I think everyone deserves to know that much. Sure, truths can hurt. But so does silence. So do lies. Due to past experiences, I think silence is THE MOST PAINFUL OF THE THREE. At least for me. At least truths liberate and lies become insignificant. Silence 

Whatever. I'm done. I have been open and honest with my feelings regarding a certain individual in a complicated situation. I really do want to be a part of his life. I feel like he adds to mine. I even told him I was willing, open, and willing to be patient because he is worth it! But if that isn't what he wants, there is only so much I can do. 

So what can I do now? Well, I am letting him go. It hurts but I think it's for the best. He can pursue me. I've pursued plenty. I've made myself available and vulnerable.  If ever he wants me, he can find me and we can see. 

Maybe someday he'll realize what he let slip away, maybe someday I'll realize that's exactly what he intended to happen.

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