Cindy Marie

At least I think that's how I remember spelling it once upon a time... It is now 2012! How exciting. I am thrilled to see if A. the world is really going to end B. what the world of politics brings C. how my life unfolds even more.

I do have a feeling this will be a productive year for me. I am not at all inclined to think, "THIS IS MY YEAR!!!" Every year is... "my year". But I have this slight gnawing in my stomach that makes me think this will be a year of change and greater direction. But who knows, maybe that's just my dinner being broken down by enzymes gnawing at me.

Here's how this entry is going to go:

1. New Year's Eve

2. New Year's Day: The reading of the egg

3. My absolutely resolute resolutions

New Year's Eve

Not my finest moment, I will admit. I didn't have the best attitude. All my fault. I take full responsibility for my emotions and attitude towards such emotions. It was a roller coaster ride. I woke up feeling like things were done with a certain boy and ended feeling pathetic and sorry for myself because I realized how much I had invested emotionally in said boy. Stupid, really. I don't know why I chose to accelerate my pace this time around... but I acknowledge that it was foolish. Relationships are so much better when enjoyed and taken slowly. At least for me. I like just having fun and getting to know the person. Really know them. Anyway. So I was a sulky little thing (dressed up and pretty) thing. I cried a lot last night... bawled, really. Truly not one of my finest moments but I am so happy that I at least got it out. Why? The answer will be found in section #2.

As per tradition in our household, we ate our 12 grapes during the last 10 seconds of the countdown. 12 grapes for 12 months and 12 wishes... for 2012! Then we cracked our eggs into their glasses of water and toasted each other. We said a family prayer and then I quickly rushed back to my room to finish crying and letting everything out. I fell asleep in tears, pain, and anger. Haha, I even played out multiple scenarios in my head where I lashed out at my (unexpecting) victim. Such was my New Year's Eve.

New Year's Day: The reading of the egg

All those tears were left to 2011! I felt so

much better when I woke up... indifferent even (which is the BEST feeling when it comes to complicated boy scenarios). I like taking the opportunity to use the vibe of a new year, a fresh slate to fuel my motiv

ation. It doesn't hurt, right? So I enjoyed the day. I spent it making my family laugh, enjoying myself at church, and thinking deeply about what I really want to accomplish this year. I even came full circle to an appropriate perspective when it comes to relationships... TAKE MY TIME! HAVE FUN! LET MEN PURSUE. I definitely think that last one is key. There is nothing wrong with showing interest; I have always done that. But there is a fine line between encouraging and pursuing... Men are the natural pursuers... take that away from them and you take away their objective and their fun leaving them with nothing more than an early kill and little satisfaction in said kill...

I am focusing on success this year. I am making huge (and not su huge) decisions and taking my life to the next level of fulfillment. Yes, I am still a college student but I am almost done. And I can do so much more to enrich my life. All I have to do is make goals, stay on task, and set my priorities. Dream! Aspire! Remember that I am capable! I feel like I've held back the last couple of years. It's not me... and it leaves me lacking and wanting. So, this year, I think greater fulfillment will be my theme.

Oh. Reading of the egg. Well, the egg that is cracked as the new year chimes in forms in different shapes, bubbles, lines, etc. These shapes "tell you" what your year will be like. It gives you things to look forward to as well as warnings to keep in mind. Just some fun.

The egg was encouraging this year... for the most part. I had a few tears on the top rim... Two, actually. One medium, the other tiny. I had lots of success and protection throughout. Money!! I will have some money this year... which will be nice... haha. There were 2 angels looking down on me at the top of my glass (greater safety and illumination)... And there were two more people standing, seemingly facing each other holding on to the edges of a heart (my mom says it could mean love, marriage, or a relationship... MEH.). On top of the heart there was a building... like a church (echoes the marriage thing... MEH.). There was a little cow (what do you know?! the cow is a sign of fulfillment, a restoration to health and purity, warding off negative energy, and great things all around.. woo hoo! haha) to one side of the glass. A little boat near the other (some traveling will be done this year... not much though since it was little). And high arches leading up to the top of the glass (meaning hard work and great success). I did have some fog around the yoke of the egg which is a warning sign... not to be precipitous and to avoid contention. If I forget to do either, I will have additional pain and suffering in my dealings with friends and work... haha awesome.

My Absolutely Resolute Resolutions:

1. Spiritual binder

2. I am going to instate a new personal rule. No kissing until the 5th date. AT LEAST. I have my reasons...

3. Journal every day. At least one word to describe the day.

4. Finish my book! Has to be done.

5. Read at least 2 books for my own personal perusing (part of the fulfillment theme).

6. Fitness (also fits the fulfillment theme)!!!!!!!! Work out at least 4-5 times a week.

7. Find community service project(s) in which to engage (also fulfillment).

Well those are a few for now, I am writing them down in more depth in my journal. So excited!! It's going to be a great year. Why? Because I am taking action and am committing to giving my all so that it will be so!

I promise.

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The fam

2011-12-28T11:03:00.003-08:00

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As I was taking this picture my brother asked, "are you sure that's the right face to make?" haha

2011-12-28T11:03:00.001-08:00

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Love the grand canyon

2011-12-28T10:10:00.003-08:00

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My brother Brian

2011-12-28T10:10:00.001-08:00

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Red lips for Christmas :)

2011-12-25T14:23:00.001-08:00

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i feel so alone

2011-12-23T22:16:00.001-08:00

So very alone.

Today I got a very important letter. The contents therein will very likely change my life forever. I know (and continually hope) that it will be for the better. However, knowing the truth of the end from the beginning and especially the middle doesn't change the fact that I am embarrassed, scared, worried, ashamed, and all other negative feelings conducive to this matter.

Right now the biggest thing I yearn for is a hug. A solid hug from someone that cares about me. But that hug will never come because I will not ask for it. I can't. This is something that I need to go through alone. All this letter did was make everything more real. And it is this very reality that I must face.

I need to suck it up and keep moving forward. That's the only way to leave this all behind me. Nothing else matters more right now.

But in this very "now" I feel so, so, so alone. Dang it. Here come the tears. Control yourself, Cindy.

Everything is going to be ok... eventually.

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Love my primary kids.

2011-12-22T18:45:00.001-08:00

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Special forces divers on a water jump. Proud of our troops!

2011-12-22T18:26:00.001-08:00

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this made me laugh too

2011-12-22T13:14:00.001-08:00

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For my personal use

2011-12-22T13:11:00.001-08:00

Use in time of need to gain perspective! Haha, plus it is funny.

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always the date, never the dated

2011-12-22T12:54:00.001-08:00

Haha so it seems. I had a really fun date last night with someone I hadn't seen in a very long time. He was passing through Las Vegas. Apparently he passes through quite a bit. Sound familiar? It definitely does to me...

And still I don't know what to do.

A part of me just wants to push everyone away. It would hurt a lot less. It would be my way of saying, "Ha! Take that! I don't need you or you or you. Who needs someone in their life to make them happy? Not me." That might be true. I definitely believe that happiness is not dependent upon others. I also believe that others can add to happiness and fulfillment. I want to be vulnerable. I want to show others I care. I want to help them feel special and recognize their amazingness. I want to keep myself open to the possibility of love....because it is worth it. But the path to love can be painful.

I'm a bit upset. I am VERY confused. Why can't guys communicate better?

"Oh, you don't want me anymore? Cool, thanks for telling me. Now I can move on without any hesitation. I appreciate your honesty and courage."

"You need some space? Awesome! I can totally do that for you! That helps me know what you need and I want to meet your needs."

"We're doing good? Ok, cool. That's all I needed to know, now I can rest easy and do my thing. Thank you for comforting me."

It really isn't that difficult to tell someone what you want. I think everyone deserves to know that much. Sure, truths can hurt. But so does silence. So do lies. Due to past experiences, I think silence is THE MOST PAINFUL OF THE THREE. At least for me. At least truths liberate and lies become insignificant. Silence

Whatever. I'm done. I have been open and honest with my feelings regarding a certain individual in a complicated situation. I really do want to be a part of his life. I feel like he adds to mine. I even told him I was willing, open, and willing to be patient because he is worth it! But if that isn't what he wants, there is only so much I can do.

So what can I do now? Well, I am letting him go. It hurts but I think it's for the best. He can pursue me. I've pursued plenty. I've made myself available and vulnerable. If ever he wants me, he can find me and we can see.

Maybe someday he'll realize what he let slip away, maybe someday I'll realize that's exactly what he intended to happen.

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Falling is harder when you fall alone...

2011-12-22T11:25:00.001-08:00

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There is something fabulous about cherry garcia

2011-12-19T20:16:00.001-08:00

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He makes me smile.

2011-12-16T02:26:00.001-08:00

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Preacher on watch

2011-12-15T12:23:00.001-08:00

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Ensign.

2011-12-14T21:16:00.001-08:00

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When it comes to dark chocolate, I have finally met my match..

2011-12-01T19:39:00.001-08:00

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Dreaming...of having something useful to do :)

2011-11-30T18:42:00.001-08:00

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great attitude.

2011-11-28T22:59:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving has come and gone! I did lots of reflecting but I have yet to post about it. And, since I am in a writing mood-and typing hasn't been so comfy for my recovering shoulder- I will keep 'em comin'.

I have realized the importance of attitude. It makes such a huge difference in everything in life. And when it comes to gratitude, blessings, and giving back, attitude is HUGE. Something can be a blessing and go unnoticed due to a certain attitude towards it.

I will go ahead and expose myself for the sake of demonstrating my point.

Ever since I have been home from my mission, I have been struggling. I have my good moments. I enjoy being home and spending time with my family. I should do it more... But I also feel so lost. Having had to reapply to BYU was a shock to my system. Not being in school this coming semester is KILLING me (I'm a hardcore nerd, you see). It doesn't help that I feel like I'm failing at life in general. Still an undergraduate and not a graduate. Still sick and not full of life. Still lost and not decided. I have been doing a little bit of moping. It's terrible. But that was because of the attitude I had towards it. Let's face it, I do sound pretty pathetic. BUT!

How about I try this attitude:

I have been given an opportunity. I can heal, I can sort through all my thoughts, I can prepare, I can write, I can develop my skills and talents (work on piano again, take some singing lessons, join a dance academy, work on my cooking, use my dusty SLR... the possibilities are limitless!). I can READ! Anything I want. I can explore. It's like a mini sabbatical from life to figure out my life a little more. It is a tender mercy so I can find my way and not be afraid of making choices because I'll know I've studied them out MORE than sufficiently. And really, Heavenly Father knows that this is exactly what I need. I need to take advantage of it. And, if I truly do, I will have that much more joy added unto my life. It's a promise I've been given.

So. For what am I particularly grateful this year:

1. The Gospel. My hope.

2. My mission!! It has brought me blessings in the form of mission presidents, companions, investigators, experiences, and... pain and illness...perhaps that really has been or eventually will be the greatest blessing of all. My refiner's fire.

3. My family. Though imperfect, they are mine and I love them. I want to learn how to cherish them more and more and more. My haven.

4. Letters. And all those that have written them. My tender mercies.

5. My primary class!! I was sick this Sunday and wasn't able to teach... I missed them so much. They are amazing. I'm going to do something special for them next week. Hmmm... maybe I'll even plan an out of Sunday activity!!!! That would be so fun!!!! My joy.

6. Writing. It will always be me. My escape, my rescue, my outlet, my source, my love, my passion.

7. Mi vida. Not at all where I thought I would be but it is definitely taking me where I need to be. My adventure.

Fun fact! This year my mom didn't feel like fussing over cooking the turkey. So we had New York style steak instead. It was delectable.

Wouldn't you agree?

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"things" of love...

2011-11-28T22:33:00.001-08:00

No. No. I am not in love. But "things of love" include those little butterflies, the twists in the stomach, the attraction. The desire, the wants, the wishes. Somehow I find myself in a situation where I am feeling a lot of those things more strongly. Funny enough, they are feelings for someone who has been attracted to me for a very long time. And now that I am drawn to him he is retreating! Ironies of life... Habituals of life. He makes me a little crazy. He also makes me a little pathetic. I don't know that I like that or want that.

But then why do I want him?

Who knows.. maybe it's because I have been "boy-less" for an extended period of time. I haven't had a boyfriend for 3 years. I have been in a steady dating scenario for over a year. And then here comes this guy that spoils me and sweeps me off my feet and tells me how long he's wanted me. Maybe he makes me a little crazy because I'm trying to make him fit. And the truth is he doesn't really fit. Especially when someone else already does.

But even that is crazy! I don't even really know him... only through letters. But even through letters I feel something for him. So bizarre. Not going into it. Only time will tell there.

Why does love make us stupid? Why does love make us amazing? Love truly is the greatest motivator. Especially when it is the purest form of love: Charity. The pure love of Christ. It is a selfless love. It is a blissful, peaceful love. It requires action and understanding. That's what I really want. And it is worth the wait. It is also worth the search... And the pain and craziness.

When I keep things in perspective, my craziness subsides. So I'll keep practicing and working on it. Not the most appealing thing I have to offer... not even really me, to be honest. It's more of a defense mecahnism. So! In reality, I have to let myself be vulnerable and exposed. Blah. Ok.... I'll work on that too.

In other news, my shoulder is recovering pretty well.... Still sore and tender but that is to be expected. I'm grateful I'm as functional as I am... I just miss exercise. ESPECIALLY running. Sigh... soon. Very soon. Below some pictures... One of me before surgery and after... love those... I think I look funny. Even post-op I can make funny faces. And of me... and the things I do for the "things" of love... I am a silly girl. But that's ok. :)

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Waiting at the...waiting room...

2011-11-19T10:36:00.001-08:00

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funny moment of the day...

2011-11-13T18:33:00.001-08:00

It was 6:23 pm. I had just been downstairs and grabbed one (off the record, it was two...) of the double chocolate chip cookies I had baked. I ran up to my room, got cozy in my bed, and started to read. It wasn't until 6:25 pm that I realized I was thirsty. I turned to the left to reach for my huge water bottle. It was empty. I contemplated my options.

Then I called my brother Brian... using my cell phone. He didn't answer. I didn't take that non-answer as an answer! I called him outloud and he came. I then pretended to look really ill and weak. With puppy dog eyes in position, I looked at him and asked him to help me. He hunched over, sighed, and said, "Give me the water bottle." I handed it over.

As he was leaving I asked him, "Did I look sick and weak." A resolute, "No", was my reply. It made me laugh. :) He's a good brother....

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I love this.

2011-11-09T14:49:00.001-08:00

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I am blue...

2011-11-06T19:02:00.001-08:00

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Boo!

2011-10-31T19:23:00.001-07:00

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My first Sunday as a primary teacher... This is adriano, one of my pupils

2011-10-30T18:05:00.001-07:00

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He was also waiting to see the doctor

2011-10-28T14:19:00.001-07:00

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Shoulder... Still have the pain pump...

2011-10-26T20:36:00.001-07:00

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Ice and a sling: my new home

2011-10-25T10:59:00.001-07:00

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Behind every great man...

2011-10-23T23:47:00.001-07:00

"There is a great woman." A friend of mine used that saying a few days ago and it is still on my mind. (Of course, it is a wonderfully empowering thought which I playfully twist to mean that the woman is the "shadow king" or master puppeteer.)

I don't want to be behind a great man. Yes, I want to be better because of him and vice versa- that is the potential of any worthwhile relationship- but I don't like the imagery of being behind him. Why am I behind him? Bear with me, this is not a (completely) feminist entry.

Serving a mission and being around a lot different boys and men (all around the age of 19) really made me think about what I want in a companion. I want someone I can serve, I can laugh with, I can really, deeply connect and talk with, I want someone I can stand beside, not behind.

More later, surgery tomorrow, I have to sleep.

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Found this in a bathroom, of all places!

2011-10-20T17:38:00.001-07:00

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one more good song for the night

2011-10-12T23:22:00.001-07:00

31_Chasing_It_Down.mp3 Listen on Posterous

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edamame sprinkled with sea salt and apples with babybel cheese and peanut butter

2011-10-12T23:15:00.001-07:00

Yes, that was my dinner tonight. And it was delicious. If only the evening could have been as delicious as the food with which I escaped to my room. Here I have been locked away seeking comfort and reassurance.

My family is so broken. I am broken.

I think we all get dings, dents, and scratches along the roads of life; it is inevitable. Experiences in their many shapes and forms, good and bad, are a crucial and key aspect of life. However, there is a great divergence when it comes to the dings, dents, and scratches experienced and acquired.

There are those who go in for repairs (in a variety of personal depth as to why they take that decision). There are those who take a step back, see the dings and think, "It's not so bad", and opt not to get repairs. And there are those who don't even acknowledge or recognize the scratches ever in their lives or not until after long whiles at a time.

I took a break to get a bowl of rice crispies cereal and soy milk. I was still hungry. Random fact: usually I prefer less milk in my cereal. I now know that rice crispies are the only exception to that preference.

My head is throbbing due to the intensity in the home a few hours earlier. This stress is not helping my recovery. But I cannot blame the reason for the stress. I am in need of repair. I recognize it. I see the scratch right where I polished over a few months ago! Not a fun feeling. I can't help but stare at it and think, "Really? Again?" And then I keep staring until acceptance kicks in. I see the need for a tune up, check up, and awakening.

Sheer honesty: Right now I am broken in every way imaginable. I have no money. I have poor health. I have low hopes. But as I thought of these categories in which I am lacking, I remembered what I do have.

I have dreams. I have potential. I have faith. I can have vision and perspective.

Now do I have the willpower and the strength to push passed everything else and achieve?

That is yet to be determined. But I know I can. I need to fight. I need to give everything I have. And if I fail, so be it. I tried. But if I can succeed and really achieve my potential, I can share that with all those who are bruised, shattered, and hopeless. I can even share it with those who simply need a routine check up.

It never hurts to gain more hope to keep going. Here's to gaining and maintaining mine...starting with some good music!

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shifts and updates

2011-10-11T23:43:00.001-07:00

This used to be in my profile info... shifting things around so now it'll go out here:

Who am I?

I am a smile,

I am a laugh,

I am crazy hair and big brown eyes

I am a thought, okay maybe two

I am a dream

That craves to come true

I am an aching for things gone wrong

And I am awaking,

Continually becoming strong

I am scars and battle wounds

I am a run,

I am a shore,

I am waves

Rushing evermore

I am tears that stream down tender skin

I am an embrace

I am always a chase

I am a puzzle

I am flawed

I am jagged rocks and cushioned paws

I am music in its every form

I am sunshine that tickles every pore

I am a dance that twirls and spins and never ends

I am moonshine that soothes the human soul

Who am I?

Those are details still in the making.

Until then, I know I am a smile and a laugh,

Of moments sincere that will always last,

I am excitement,

I am strength,

I am.

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fish out of water, rock in a gutter

2011-10-11T14:13:00.001-07:00

I feel a little out of place. Would that be considered normal? I feel restless. I feel anxious. I feel weak. Well... I am weak. I am getting surgery in 13 days! Then I will be weak AND an invalid. :) just kidding.

I was looking in my old journals last night. It was amusing. I have changed so much in the past few years. High School definitely feels like ages ago. And I'm glad. The future can hold many great and remarkable opportunities and experiences. Right now I wonder if I will be able to attain any of those... am I able? I am making a plan! Well I can't seem to really gather my thoughts right now so I'll just post some pictures instead. More later.

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long, painful nights

2011-10-09T01:31:00.001-07:00

For nearly 7 months now, many nights are long, painful nights. It has been a humbling-smacking my pride over the head repeatedley and trying to get the message- experience. All my life I have been healthy. I have been strong. I have been energetic. I have been able.

Pain, so much pain. I can't help but wonder if my healthy days are done. I am the weakest I have been in my entire life. The pain gets so excruciating that I can't even gather my thoughts or breathe. My body is constantly exhausted because of how much pain with which I am trying to deal. A retired heart surgeon once asked me why I talk about my body like it is something completely separate from me. He inquired with a lifted brow and underlying tone that seemed to say, "What really is your problem?" I'd like to know the answer to that too! Until then, to answer his question, I stated that I try to be in tune with my body, being able to understand what is going on physically and biologically.

I don't want to leave my answer at, "I hurt." I want to say, "I feel intense pain in my upper stomach region. It is sharp and a constant stab. I get nauseous, I get weak, my body starts to shake. I have also noticed sharp pangs on the right hand side below the rib cage and irregular function of my digestive system."

I took my health for granted. I am going to do everything I possibly can to get it back.

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jimmy my dear...

2010-12-30T23:47:00.001-08:00

Oh how I love this song. It thrills me so much that I am sharing it with all of you... whoever you may be. This album liberated me. It rocked me, moved me, and soothed me. It reminds me of Boston and New York. It proclaims my right to find joy. And this song definitely brings me joy on an intimate level with my soul.

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Download now or listen on posterous

07_Stop.m4a (7926 KB)

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Never Enough

2010-12-17T21:25:00.001-08:00

I am never enough. I always do too little or feel too much. The rare moments when I am successful quickly fleet away and then I fall short in some other manner. Every day my flaws are repeatedly held against me; In fact, every new day can never really be new; the constant flames of criticism dissipate any hope of changing or improving. I'm suffocating under this avalanche. I don't know how to find my way out from any angle. As much as I'd like to change and become what is desired of me in an instant, that isn't very realistic. And, without the patience to give me a chance to change, I am very constantly a disappointment.

I once was your diamond. You once were my best friend. You claim that I've changed. I claim that it's for the better. But is it really if I'm losing you? If I can never regain our relationship? It's killing me and breaking me. I love you and always give you the benefit of the doubt. Please do the same for me. Please don't hold my flaws against me. Please forgive me for my offenses and past mistakes. I want to be your diamond again but maybe I'm no longer enough.

For now, I'll keep hoping. I'll keep trying to change. I'm still your little girl. The one that needs your approval and wants to meet your expectations. But what happens if I can't?

Have hope, have hope, have hope.

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Granulated Earth

2010-12-16T20:29:00.001-08:00

31 OCT 2010

I walked along the sea shore

And knelt to feel the sand.

I grazed it with my fingers

And cupped it in my hands.

I admired the many pieces

Of granulated earth;

The rays of light exposed them,

To glisten as if with mirth.

I slowly let them slip away-

Those many bits of grain

And as they flowed from hand to home

Bits blended and appeared the same.

I contemplated my own fate-

I am but one grain of sand.

Will anybody notice me,

When I am in their hand?

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Untitled

2010-12-16T20:11:00.001-08:00

30MAR2010

Oh my, thoughts have flooded over me and I will not hide them. I’m scared of growing old. But today, I fear it because I worry of the relationship that can evolve with my future husband. I see an old Asian couple sit next to me. The man is turned completely away from his wife, completely hunched over. The woman rests her head on the top of the seat and has her body angled away from him. And I cannot help but fear the loss of passion, the fading of love, the dull content of companionate love.

Right now that terrifies me. I want it all. I want a consummate love that will last for eternity. I want passion and excitement. Patience and trust. Love and loyalty. Oh my, another older couple just sat down in front of me. At least they’re warmer. “Dears” are exchanged, small talk is offered, and there they sit.

I don’t want to sit just yet. Maybe someday? But today it scares me and almost makes me want to forget the idea of love. Yet, isn’t it better to sit in old age with someone by your side, than to sit in old age alone?

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Encounters at the Airport

2010-12-16T19:51:00.001-08:00

25 MAR 2010

A girl approached me today at the airport. I was sitting reading Anna Karenina by Tolstoy and I saw her approaching with my peripheral vision. She was smiling. She sat down next to me and said hello but never introduced herself. She asked if I was headed to Phoenix and I said yes. She proceeded to tell me about her motorcycle, dual engine- something like that. The entire time I was thinking, “Why me?” But not in an annoyed way. I am genuinely curious: why me? Of everyone she could have talked to, why did she approach me? What was her motivation? What was she thinking? The seat next to me wasn’t the only one available. Was it the closest? As she proceeded to tell me about her trip to Phoenix, her cat Olga, her father who had left her mother for another woman (and has since gotten engaged to another woman she isn’t so fond of). I was able to catch her name in dialogue. She was playing the role of her mother, asking her to get out of bed to plough a road she had already tried to plough (25 inches worth I think). “Eli, Eli get up. You promised you’d plough the road.” I think she said she’s from Spokane. But mentioned being close to Idaho. I should revisit my U.S. geography- how embarrassing.

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Let the transcribing begin!

2010-12-16T19:36:00.001-08:00

Hellooooooo out there. Well. I was reviewing my little bloggity-blog and noticed a um... trend. Haha, it seems I type when I'm pining. But I do more than pine, I promise! Especially in this past year. So! I've decided to transcribe some things that I've written so that it'll maaaaybe balance out the "existential love pieces". It'd also be nice to have them typed somewhere just in case my journals disappear. I do love writing things down. I love scribbling on paper when a thought comes to mind or when I'm on the go. It helps me to not forget. I helps me to better remember. Here's to adding to the collection!

Oh oh! A friend shared these images with me because they reminded him of me. Because I loved them and found them incredible, I will place them here too. They're from National Geographic's Photography Contest 2010. These images were specifically taken from Boston.com "The Big Picture". The captions beneath each image are amazing as well, go here to read them. Enjoy! The world around us is incredible. Hopefully someday I can see more of the world in person but, for now, these images feed the hearth. [[posterous-content:pid___0]][[posterous-content:pid___1]][[posterous-content:pid___2]][[posterous-content:pid___3]][[posterous-content:pid___4]][[posterous-content:pid___6]][[posterous-content:pid___7]][[posterous-content:pid___8]][[posterous-content:pid___9]][[posterous-content:pid___10]][[posterous-content:pid___11]][[posterous-content:pid___12]][[posterous-content:pid___13]][[posterous-content:pid___14]][[posterous-content:pid___15]][[posterous-content:pid___16]][[posterous-content:pid___17]][[posterous-content:pid___18]][[posterous-content:pid___19]][[posterous-content:pid___20]][[posterous-content:pid___21]][[posterous-content:pid___22]][[posterous-content:pid___23]][[posterous-content:pid___24]][[posterous-content:pid___25]][[posterous-content:pid___26]][[posterous-content:pid___27]][[posterous-content:pid___28]][[posterous-content:pid___29]][[posterous-content:pid___30]][[posterous-content:pid___31]][[posterous-content:pid___32]][[posterous-content:pid___33]][[posterous-content:pid___34]]

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Since I can't sleep...

2010-12-16T01:23:00.001-08:00

Loose sheets of paper drifted in every direction. Some caught the wisp of a breeze that was passing along and floated away with it. Others gently descended onto the pavement.

The young girl sat at the edge of a bridge. She looked into the passing river and relished in the trickling sounds of water on stone. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath of clean, crisp air and then she knew it. She knew what she'd been missing. A smile made its entrance. She tilted her face towards her right shoulder, eyes still closed, and let her shoulder rise up to meet the cheek that desired acknowledgment. She winced. Small thoughts of the days reaching up to this point hurried along her mind's tracks. She opened her eyes and looked at the sky. Everything seemed to silence itself in that moment. That's what she was missing. Blue skies and fluffed clouds, sun rays and wishful dreams whispered to stars present, but not seen.

She looked down at her worn hands and rubbed them. If only floors and dishes didn't need scrubbing and polishing. A little higher up, on her wrists, were burns, some more bright pink than others; some still stinging more than others. If only tempers and frustrations didn't need . . .

She looked back up at the sky, tears trickling from eye to chin. They rolled passed her swollen eye, passed her bruised cheek, over her bloody lip, and down her quivering chin.

"If only they didn't need me."

She had come to the bridge to write a letter. One that would reach those she was planning on leaving behind. After so much pain she saw no choice but to leave. Flesh and blood seems to matter less when it is striking flesh and drawing blood.

To be continued.

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One More Thing...

2010-10-31T23:52:00.001-07:00

I just saw this commercial on t.v. (Did I mention I was watching Back to the Future?) and it made me laugh really hard... I'm just sharing the laugh...

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calabazas=pumpkins

2010-10-31T23:38:00.001-07:00

Hello... I've neglected my blog... sorry...

In one hour Halloween will be over! You know.. I have to admit I'm not the biggest fan of Halloween. In fact, it's a slight turn off when I see a guy in a ridiculous outfit... I don't know why! I should think it's cool that someone is willing to have fun, dress up, and look a little crazy. Maybe I just use it as an excuse for guys I don't quite... know about. Don't get me wrong I'm all for dressing up, going to a party, trick or treating, and all that, but what's the point? I suppose I'm more of a "Day of the Dead" kind of person... At least that is still more rooted in its original purpose and people remember it as such. Honoring the dead. Remembering those that went before us.

I wonder if I would have liked my Grandpa Mundo. I wonder how life would have been different. Would my mom have stayed in Guatemala? My mom misses him; he was killed when she was only 17. But she knows she'll see him again. I'm told he was a very hard working man; An honest individual. I can't wait to meet him someday.

Oh, by the way, I want my kids to enjoy Halloween someday, so maybe that'll be my motivation to enjoy it more. But I think I'll add my own twist to it and give it a little more significance. Quirky traditions create memories, right? One Halloween tradition I do have is to watch The NIghtmare Before Christmas... I watch it on Christmas too.

On a slightly different note, I've been having strange dreams again. Last night I dreamt an Italian mafia woman wanted to kill me because I stood up to her. She had a crazily evil look that pierced me. She held the gun up high and followed me around a room that we were trapped in with a few other people. The lights went off. I struggled to get away and move around a table in the room but when the lights went back on, she was right next to me, gun set and ready.

My mind is a little scattered. I haven't had the best sleep cycle recently and I just had a 5 hour nap... Well, more later, at least I wrote a small update...

I think next I'll FINALLY write about Boston and New York... and Guatemala. It'll be fun.

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Dedicated to the one and only and very loved Manny Carreon

2010-09-17T22:14:00.001-07:00

Right now I want to sing. I want to to let every tone roll and reverberate just as it seems my soul is doing. There's something so pure about singing. To me, it is something sacred and essential. I sing when I am happy. I sing when I am hurting. I sing when I need to let go. I sing when I want to hold on. And yet, sometimes I refuse to sing. I refuse to sing so that reality will seem less... real. I suppose that happens with the things that I am passionate about. When it comes to writing, I will refuse to write because it creates a solid connection with my emotions. Everything is that much more vivid. But this isn't about writing. This is about singing.

Have you ever had something you do that makes you feel more alive? You get caught in your thoughts about who knows what and then you get that itch. A passing thought wanders in and for some reason, you want to do that something? And sometimes, you think, "Okay", and you amuse the passing, itching thought and you start to do your special something. You connect. It is a part of you. Your soul rejoices as the humoring becomes something more personal and self-satisfying. And once you've fed your soul enough you can finally stop that "special something" and your day has gotten that much better. How could it not?

Singing does that for me. Music does that for me. Dancing does that for me. Of course writing does that for me! Beauty in its many extensive forms does that for me. So why do I want to sing right now? What made that itching little thought start pawing at me right now as I was trying to fall asleep? I think today it is because my soul is yearning for it. It's happy enough. I mean, how could it not be? I'm in Boston! It's beautiful! There's so much to see and do and admire. But my soul still needs comfort and reassurance. It wants to hear that, no matter what, I will fulfill what I know I will. Love will find me when the time is right. I'm sorry, my dear soul, I know I left it in Guatemala. I know you miss it. I know you wonder if you could "pull a movie move" and fly back and embrace it with open arms! It would be a very worthy and very noble sacrifice. But it isn't what you should do. Please forgive me for not indulging you and trust me when I say you're headed to something incredible. Just wait. I'd sing you a lullaby right now if I could. Cradle you in my arms and hold you close. Stare at you adoringly and stroke your forehead as I tell you not to worry.

That's the beauty of life. It never goes according to plan. Sometimes plans can cut ourselves short or limit what we can truly accomplish. And, sometimes, when plans don't go according to plan, it's easy to worry or fear what we cannot fathom as a change in our lives. I know I've shut my eyes and huddled in a corner many a time due to just that. But I have decided that that precise moment is when more of those itching, pawing, even clawing thoughts can tug as towards something extraordinary. All we have to do is close our eyes and trust. Or... if we're brave enough, keep our eyes open and see how cleverly neat all the pieces fall in front of us, scramble and scatter once, maybe twice, or even thrice again, and then create an even more beautiful pattern for us to admire.

Perhaps tomorrow I will sing. A twinge of pain and a jolt of peace might intermingle as I do. And that's ok. I will be brave. I will remember. I want the memories no matter what lies ahead. Memories are also parts of the pattern that ends up forming and, the way I see it, they only make the patterned path shine more. I can pick up any of those glistening memories and admire them for a while as I walk. And then, I can gently toss whatever memory that may be back onto the path and keep walking. I think that's fair. Just as long as I keep walking...

I love this image, I found it on camiclay.blogspot.com one and deem it more than worth sharing. Good Night!

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Oh man, the memories

2010-08-09T08:41:00.001-07:00

Hi =) It has been a while... So I have some catching up to do... I'll be writing a few entries today, I think. I was looking through some pictures that I hadn't uploaded yet and found some from my trip to Gilbert a while back! That was a really good trip... in a lot of different ways. I will always love Gilbert for everything it has to offer and the awesome memories I've made there from time to time.

See and download the full gallery on posterous

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crunching carrots...

2010-07-19T17:31:00.001-07:00

By some sort of series of events, a coworker of mine will always give me a bag of baby carrots before she leaves for the day.

I used to ear carrots all the time. I remember hopping over to the fridge, bending down over the refrigerated vegetables, and closing the fridge doors with a big carrot in hand. I would proceed to the sink where I would carefully scrub my carrot, sometimes amusing myself by etching little tallies or stars with my finger nail. Depending on the day, my next step would be to either grab the peeler and smooth out my carrot or take the damp carrot to my lips and run it over the rough exterior until I came to the tip of the carrot and took the first crunch. I adored the crunch! The snap! And then I reveled in the slowing crackles.

It has been a while since I have had the pleasure of munching on a whole carrot. But now I have baby carrots; my other friend. Now I let a little carrot rest between my lips until I decide to plop the whole thing in my mouth. My tongue runs over its bottom ridge. My teeth take hold of one end and slowly sinks in. Then I hear that mesmerizing crunch. Then comes the soothing snap. Then come the glorious slowing crackles...

How could I ever have exiled dear carrots from my fridge? Or could it be that I still enjoy them oh so thoroughly because of their long enough absence? Maybe I'll reflect on that further at some point... but for now I'm going to enjoy the crunch and crackles...

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a little poetry at dusk...

2010-06-22T08:30:00.001-07:00

Tossed

No Word describes it better

Meaningless

Worth equal to the weight of a feather

Used

A string played by bow to the extreme or-

Abused

A delicate blouse ripped and wounded at every seam

Oh the pain,

the ache

the seeping

That my throbbing heart is keeping

Locked within

and tucked away

Until the darkening of day

When the shades do greet

The somber moon

Then

My howls rise from their tomb

It's incomplete. Something is missing at the end of my poem but I don't know what... Maybe I should leave it like that. I'm not really hurting. I'm actually quite fine with life at the moment. But I feel the pain that hides in strangers' eyes and I dedicate this poem to them.

I met this poor, perplexing soul the other day. She doesn't know what to do. She gave a very special and sacred part of herself to someone who could never love her and she did so willingly. All I could do was stare at her and look into her eyes as she said that she knowingly did so. Why? Why would you do that? "I have my reasons". Oh the pain, the ache, the seeping that lined her slight smile. The funny thing is she seemed calm. Maybe she was putting on a strong face for me. I wish her well. I hope she will find the redemption and wholeness she seeks.

Well, on a different level of special and sacred, my cousin Timmy got married a bit ago! I was very happy for him!!! He is happy, and both he and his bride were glowing. I can't wait to have that glow... I'm sure it must be incredible to know you have your love forever... Now it's just a matter of finding him... and being ready, pure, and valiant for him... I predict I will meet him somewhere random. And he'll surprise me. And I don't think I'll like him much at first but then he'll say something impressively clever and I'll be hooked. Hooked but not caught. I'll still be suspicious of his intentions... and incredulous that such a man would want me... but his smile will brush away any such thoughts... Of course, that's only one possible scenario... here's to love- the kind that keeps me aching and waiting..

See and download the full gallery on posterous

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a little poetry at dusk...

2010-06-21T22:35:00.001-07:00

Tossed

No Word describes it better

Meaningless

Worth equal to the weight of a feather

Used

A string played by bow to the extreme or-

Abused

A delicate blouse ripped and wounded at every seam

Oh the pain,

the ache

the seeping

That my throbbing heart is keeping

Locked within

and tucked away

Until the darkening of day

When the shades do greet

The somber moon

Then

My howls rise from their tomb

See and download the full gallery on posterous

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short hair girl...

2010-03-08T00:23:00.001-08:00

I never took myself for a short hair girl. And when I close my eyes I even see myself with long hair. Sometimes that is... But somehow I always end up chopping off my hair and loving how I look. A while ago when I was watching hmm... what was it... a recent movie... I snuck SubZero ice cream into it... I was with Melanie... I met her there... oh: Percy Jackson and the Olympians. But was that the movie? Oh wait no. It was New Moon with Whitney and Allie. And I snuck in a grape fruit fruit cup and fork, along with a bottle of water. The future seeing vampire's hair. I loved it. And wanted it. And it was a short hair look! Maybe I've been converted. If only I could let go of guys as easily as I've come to let go of my hair. It used to be so hard for me. I loved my long, pretty hair and would never want to let it go. But, with time, I learned that hair grows back (mine fairly quickly) and it was always worth the risk because I could possibly pull it off. And, if not, it would grow back in time. I wanted to try new things because I already knew what worked.

For some reason there are certain guys I struggle letting go of while others I let go very easily. I think we all do that. I'm much more used to being able to let go though and perhaps I've convinced myself that the ones I haven't been able to as easily are special... or did it happen the other way around? I've made them special because i can't let them go? I can't let them go because they're special? Well. Hair is hair. Maybe I just need a different pair of scissors...

bumps and scratches

2010-02-24T11:09:00.001-08:00

I wrote this a bit back but I figured I'd record it here... ta da!

Can we start over? Is that even a possibility? Or am I forever to be numbed by your existence and person? But see, it's not an independently constant numb. No, the wound is fresh and once left to sit it starts to burn more and more until I heal it. And then the scarring begins. I treat the wound delicately and I treat it well. But it still hurts. It still stings. Sometimes I bump into something and a different level of pain surges for a moment, leaving me momentarily impaired. But it does fade away-slowly. And the scab does finally form. And, yes, the wound hurts much less but you still nkow it's there. And now you have to be even more careful because the new scab is tender and, if careless, you could bump into something and rip off that tender scab. The wound is expose once more and all the work from before is lost.

I bumped into you. And the scab only lifeted on one very small corner, leaving most of the wound protected. But I started focusing on that corner a little too much. And I started picking it. And I keep picking at it. And now I'm worried I've lifted too much of the scab's edge to leave it lightly covering the wound. It might be better just to rip it off. But then... the wound stands reopened.

a decision

2010-02-24T11:07:00.000-08:00

I've decided I'm going to make my blog more appealling and "official-like"; I just want it to represent me better. Soooo I look forward to updating it and taking my dear blog in a new/different direction... =)

always a thought to tease the mind...

2010-02-01T07:29:00.000-08:00

Ah! I have been sooo busy. But I love it- at least. The new semester is definitely a whirlwind but I am happy. Very happy. There has been so much to think about, so much to consider, so much to notice. So many opportunities present themselves and it's up to me to take them up. I have realized that I make my life what I want it to be. And, therefore, I have the power to succeed or not in all aspects of my life and in every desire of my heart. You don't get something for nothing and it's worth more when you've given everything. So there. A little thought to keep my occupied and a little thought to update as well.

The low tone that is always sounding...

2009-12-26T22:36:00.000-08:00

How do I express how I’m feeling? Can words do it justice? It’s like a string of pain reverberates in a low tone deep inside of me. Usually, I don’t hear the low rumbling with all the beautiful melodies that play each passing day. A smile, a flirty moment, a glorious day with my family. The thought of love, the reaffirmation of my identity, the hope that each day brings. But in those moments when the world goes silent and my mind loses focus for one brief moment, the reverberating lulls into place and slowly takes over. That’s when I feel this way. When I physically feel that low vibrating inside of me. While it no longer hurts, it does leave me wondering and feeling slightly more empty. So much has changed in one brief year. I fell in love, I felt heartbreak, I felt lost, I regained focus. I learned so much about myself and where my flaws need polishing, mending, and refining. (Don’t worry, my usual new year reflections and resolutions are underway.) I see so very many things that could use changing, that require action- but will I move? Do I have the courage to place my fragile, crackling leaf on the edge of that vast lake and push it in the water? Where will it go? What if it sinks? What if it doesn’t even move? Of course, these are all natural fears and doubts. But as soon as I let them out I shake my head at myself. Nothing changes if I don’t try. And failure is nothing to fear. But it could be such an easy excuse to stay stagnate. But I refuse to settle.

You know, I hope the low bumble goes away. But I think it’s there to remind me that there is more out there for me to give. Yes, I know that its hum began a little after my heart started dripping away but my heart no longer drips for that boy. More than anything, I know that I have so much to offer and I can’t wait to do so; I don’t mind the wait, I never have. Yet that string plays its low note.

Well, my mind is finally back at work and a passing memory provoked a smile and a lightly uplifting melody. I’ll humor it and drift into a few more thoughts. And so the rumbling fades until its next recognizable moment.

Another little confession

2009-12-15T22:59:00.000-08:00

Dear whoever, whenever, however:

Here's another little confession about me. Ever since little days I can't keep my eyes closed very long when I'm all alone and water's going. Like in the shower... I used to scrub like the wind to get my hair clean so I wouldn't have to keep my eyes closed. I've since gotten better. But now when I wash my face each night, I have to squint one eye open when I can no longer stand it. I'll have my eyes closed and feel so vulnerable. The thoughts penetrate my thoughts: There's someone coming. There's someone behind you. He's just staring at you. No. No. You're fine. No one's there. Then there will be a creak from some spot in the house and I can't take it anymore. Who cares if soap gets in my eye! I will not be the prey to some lunatic in my house. It's funny that the real crazy person is the one wincing and squinting in pain with soap suds all over her face.

I'm starting to think that I take that approach to a lot of things in life, subconsciously of course. I always have one eye open just in case that scary man is creeping up on me, ready to stare at me when I look up again. More later..maybe

bizarre dreams....

2009-11-28T10:35:00.000-08:00

Oh man. I love dreams. They entertain me. And amuse me. But sometimes I don't quite understand them.... Like last night. I dreamt that I went looking for Jd because I wanted to be his friend again, and he completely tore me down saying that it was never going to happen. And then, in the next part of my dream, I was in a class with Matt Hankey who kept trying to avoid eye contact with me because he was embarrassed that he never got the movie to me... And for some reason I was teaching a class in another room and every time I passed down the hallway I would see Mitchell Robbie Dunn and would feel nothing. But he would stare at me. And stare. And once he almost tried to talk to me but didn't quite make it. Everyone in the class would talk about it. And all I could do was put my head down and keep moving. WEIIIIRD. Then I had a dream where I was performing again... and I had two solos in a show but I was disappointed because I wanted more? Um... haha And in that dream I kept thinking about majors and what to choose and somehow ended up thinking linguistics would be best. I dunnoooo. First off, I wish I wouldn't dream about people I don't want to dream about. But then again, it is amusing... Anyway... that's a mini update... it was me thinking... AHHHH BYU-Utah game... I'm excited... hopefull we win... (BYU)

Turkey + Family = Gratitude

2009-11-26T18:18:00.000-08:00

Oh yes.... Thanksgiving time is that time for thinking and reflecting and saying: hey, I'm grateful for.... So what am I grateful for? I made a turkey where I put some things down.... But here's another list for reflection:

The true gospel: I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me and I love him. I will obey his will and strive to be valiant.

My Family: I adore them, they are my everything. No matter what, they accept me and love me, and I will always be loyal to them.

My Friends: They make me smile. True friends uplift and help me and I want to be there for them too... Very grateful

Education: I'm all over the place! It stresses me to think that I might make the wrong decisions in my life but, that isn't possible if I'm living righteously and being obedient. As long as I'm taking advantage of all the opportunities available, I'm good!

Boys: Oh my... where would I be without boys? Love them. Love them. Love them. Hate them. Hate them. Hate them. Haha.. just kidding. In reality, I am a fan of them. And yes, they hurt me but I learn from my mistakes and keep pressing forward and enjoying them. Ok... confession: I am always in awe when I see guys working out. It doesn't matter how attractive they are, I am automatically drawn to them when I see them working out, grunting, lifting weights, lifting themselves... it's extremely attractive... Can't help but smile when I see them... hmm.. I wonder if they feel the same about girls working out.. haha or maybe thats how they feel when they see us cook and clean.... haha

Weather: Oh man. Love it. I love love love weather! I am grateful for seasons and being a part of nature. Heavenly Father is the ultimate genius.

Music: My life. It moves me and uplifts me.

Literature: My soul. It drives me and thrills me.

Animals: My curiosity. They comfort me and make me laugh.

My curiosity! - It keeps life entertaining...

Good movies: Where there is value there is joy...

Food: You make me smile...

Um yeah... that's a better list. For now. =) There is always something that I'm grateful for but it's a blessing to take the time to think about it. =)

Lips and kisses...

2009-11-20T18:41:00.001-08:00

Kisses are fascinating. They tell you a lot about a person and who they really are... Truly. Here's a confession... I am drawn to lips. In fact, if there are a pair of lips on a guy that I can't see myself kissing, I can't be interested... automatically my mind says, "No!" And I move on to a more lip-worthy target. Oh my.. and when beautiful, manly lips are accompanied by a stellar smile, I melt. Let me describe one of the best kisses I have ever received. There was tension, there was passion, there was curiosity, there was a trill of excitement. As our lips met in between the others, lightly locking, he pulled me in closely, forcefully as his hand was placed firmly on the small of my back. I completely melted and fell captive. He would mix between light, gentle movements of his lips and stronger, longer holds on mine. It was a kiss that said, "I love you." Ugh. there's another kiss I could share. It was a kiss of pure lust. It was disgusting. As he pulled me in and held me down, his entire mouth devoured my poor, unsuspecting lips. A little bit of drool dribbled across my cheek that escaped from his mouth via mine. Yes. He drooled. He would suck and exhale deeply and keep moving his open lips around mine. It was so awkward. I kept trying to get him to close his mouth, to use a little more tact but no, he didn't get the message, and finally I stopped him and ran away. I find it interesting that kisses hold such value, at least to me they do. A kiss creates a connection, it shows an emotion, it reveals a piece of soul. I miss meaningful kisses...

I can fall in love again...

2009-11-14T22:28:00.000-08:00

Today I was reminded of why I wanted to fall in love and why I did fall in love. There was a guy that was crazy about me and was scared of losing me because he thought I was so incredible. There was a guy that would do anything for me and would do everything for me. There was a guy who would take me to Mexico to meet his amazing family and share a special place to him with me. There was a guy that would stand by me as I threw up because he was hurting because I was hurting. There was a guy who would hold me closely as we stood on the pier and kiss me gently. There was a guy who would slowly dance with me in his kitchen for no reason at all, except he knew that dancing meant a lot to me, even if he was terrified of doing it. I could say a lot more but it's unnecessary. The point is I fell deeply in love with someone I thought was incredible and, at the time, I'm pretty sure he loved me too. For whatever reason, he let me go. But. There will be someone who won't let me go. Someone who won't want to let me go. Someone who will love me and give me other sweet memories to remember and smile about. But the only way that's going to happen is if I move on to Stage 3: Let me guard down again. Ok... here goes... because it's worth it.

What's wrong with me?

2009-11-06T22:37:00.000-08:00

Oh I don't get it. One day I'm fine and strong and the next I'm weak and definitely not ok. Time please keep passing. Time please help me forget everything. Everything everything. I've written everything down when it meant something to me but for now, I want to let go and run away as far as I can. Please help me stop torturing myself with memories and thoughts. I know he doesn't think of me. I know he doesn't want me. I know we're more than done. True friends keep me sane... At least I have them to encourage me and support me and understand what I'm going through because I can really be crazy. A little. Boys come and go until a man comes to stay and the ones that don't stay, aren't mean to... ok. ok. I'm ok.

Everything is Black and Gold....

2009-11-05T18:50:00.000-08:00

Halloween!! So.. I'm not the biggest fan, but it can be fun, right? So Hallow's Eve was my night to dress up as an adorable nerd and Halloween I got to go to a soccer game... amazing seats too.

I am completely happy with life. I should always be but somehow I can't help but smile when I think about everything I have. I love my family. I love my friends. I love the idea of having a future. I know I'm headed for Law School... hopefully I make it.

So... a few weeks ago I fell down some slick stairs in my apartment and tore an ankle ligament... not pretty. It's so sad because working out is one of my releases and it has been nice being really fit... like really really. BUT. Ever since this injury I've been slacking (kind of forced to do so...) and eating a lot of what I shouldn't be... This is my pledge to myself to stop. I will make this my body journal as well as soul journal and keep track of my progress weekly. Look forward to that =).

Ok.. I think that's pretty much it for now. Oh. Well. There's this boy... and I kind of like him... but I'm scared to like him... He was my childhood crush and now he's back and for some reason pursuing me which I never that possible... More on that later.

So.. it's been a while...

2009-10-13T17:28:00.000-07:00

So. I'm sorry I haven't written for a while.. there has been a lot that has happened:

The boy I loved is no longer mine. He fell out of love with me, and ultimately, I moved on. It was interesting seeing him again for the first time. There was no spark, no moment of excitement, no thrill to see his face. I felt empty. I felt numbed. I knew we were done. But I'm not going to lie he's still in my heart and in my thoughts and sometimes the little words "what if" try to mess with me. But we're done and I'm free and more than moved on now.

School. School keeps me busy, that's for sure.

Family: i love and miss them!! They were here a little bit ago and I've been grumpy since they've left...

Boys. I like them. Again. And I am enjoying my single life.

More later,
Just had to check in:

Me.

Driving in the passenger's seat...

2009-08-19T10:52:00.001-07:00

Tonight I was driving home by myself. As I turned on the engine and twisted the key I let the quiet sink in... I've always loved summer nights. There's something about the way the moon looks down at you, and something about the way the air holds you, and something about the way the dark greets you. I feel at peace and at home during summer nights. I rolled down the window and chose a song to fit the occasion. As I drove away and headed home I looked in my rear view mirror and made a double take. There was someone back there. I scrunched up my face and thought to myself that that was impossible but I looked again and there was a man sitting in my car. Once again I quickly looked back at the isolated road and dim street lights ahead, convincing myself that my drowsy driving was getting the best of me, but as I looked back in my rear view mirror there was definitely someone else in the car with me. This time I twisted my head all the way back to see his entire body and not just head and shoulders and let out a yelp of surprise. I think that scared him off too because next I checked the man was gone. Who was he? Why was he there? These are questions I've learned to ask myself when I see someone. Was someone saying goodbye to me? I'm alert. I hope every one is ok. Was someone saying hello to me? I'm pensive. I hope things will be alright.

All by myself....

2009-08-12T21:09:00.000-07:00

Maybe I do want to be alone... all alone... just me and no one else. Well, family is excluded from that, I love them and I know they will always love me and be there for me. The boy I loved has trammeled me under his feet. The best friend I thought I had is suffocated by all the things I've done wrong to her. So many people I thought meant something in my life have left me or hurt me. Am I naive? Am I too much of an idealist? Too much of an optimist? I don't think so. I refuse to think so. I still believe that people are good. I still have hope that everyone will try to put their best foot forward, including myself. Someone amazing will love me and think I'm incredible. Someone great will consider me a good friend and forgive me for my flaws. I'm just tired right now... so it is nice to be alone... but tomorrow I look forward to mending, to growing, to hoping.

Dear jerk who decided to rate me today,

2009-07-27T20:18:00.001-07:00

I would like to thank you for your generosity in rating me a 7. Not only was it highly amusing to see you and your two friends observe me and look me up and down several times, but it was also entertaining that you, kindly, announced your rating to me. "Seven. Seven." Little head nod in between and one more glance before you looked happily over at your friends. "Seven." Mind you, I had been woken up at 3:30am by my dad in Las Vegas so that I would be able to drive to Utah and make it in time for my class. When you and I serendipitously crossed paths, I was messy, dis-groomed, and disheveled. So thank you. Thank you for making me laugh and rating my physical appearance today. It truly made my that minute of my day.

The Challenge for myself...

2009-07-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

A new goal! I want to stay off of Facebook until school gets out. I need to focus on school and focus on me and better things than facebook. If it's something I'm doing so frequently, it isn't healthy. So. I will stay off! And if I do, I will know that I have reached a new level of self-control. Hooray for growth!

Snickers and butterfingers

2009-07-21T14:07:00.000-07:00

1. I miss you

2. I can't wait to see you

3. I wonder if you feel the same

4. Yesterday I almost kissed a guy, but I was scared it'd make me miss you more

5. I don't care if you still want me or not, I just want to know what you've finally decided so I can be FREE.

6. I don't feel like I can talk about you anymore... and I don't really feel like I'm a part of you anymore, but you're still very much a part of me...

7. I am still very much in love with you... and dream about you all the time. But I'm scared to admit it to myself and to you because I really don't know what you're thinking....

Dishonest people suck.

2009-07-16T23:21:00.000-07:00

Whatever happened to integrity? To honesty? To living by a good standard? I mean.. I know sometimes we lie but to lead a dishonest life with no moral code? I promise myself I will lead a life of integrity and honesty. My word and actions will be good and true. I want people to know they can trust me because it seems like less and less people can be trusted. Here's to being one of the few...

Camera+me+boredom= fun

2009-07-15T19:47:00.001-07:00

"It never gets completely better"

2009-07-15T11:25:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend of mine and that's one of the last things he said before he left for bed. Yes, heartbreak is terrible and painful and miserable. But I do think that things can get "completely better". It's all up to you, isn't it? I like having hope. I like knowing that everything will work out the way it should. I love knowing that if it isn't meant for me, I don't want it! Everything works out the way it should.. or maybe I'm just overly optimistic? Things do get completely better, wounds heal all the way- that's the beauty of the Atonement, the power of ultimate healing and comfort and knowing that I'm not the only one who's felt that pain or torment. In fact, there's someone who has always felt worse. Besides, there are so many good things that come out of a bad situation that make things better. For example, well.. Mitch and I aren't exactly a BAD situation.. but long distance has been hard... and not knowing has been killer but!

1. I regained my independence and self-confidence.

2. I re-evaluated my goals in life and what I want to accomplish.

3. I've gained a tremendous level of spiritual strength.

4. I've entrusted everything in the will of the Lord.

5. All in all, I've grown and matured, which is really good because I needed to... there's no way I would have been ready for marriage at any point in my past mental state... it's not like I was terribly immature, but I did need to grow (and still have some more growing to do).

6. I understand relationships better now so no matter who I end up with, I will be an amazing girlfriend. =)

It can get completely better... it's all up to you.

Love it!!

2009-07-14T11:18:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness! This is such a beautiful poem... I memorized and recited it in a Poetry thing in high school... it's amazing. Enjoy!

"Tengo miedo a perder la maravilla

de tus ojos de estatua, y el acento
que de noche me pone en la mejilla
la solitaria rosa de tu aliento.

Tengo pena de ser en esta orilla
tronco sin ramas; y lo que más siento
es no tener la flor, pulpa o arcilla,
para el gusano de mi sufrimiento.

Si tú eres el tesoro oculto mío,
si eres mi cruz y mi dolor mojado,
si soy el perro de tu señorío,

no me dejes perder lo que he ganado
y decora las aguas de tu río

con hojas de mi otoño enajenado."

Things are.... different

2009-07-14T11:04:00.001-07:00

Well. Time has definitely pulled a "turtle" on me. I can't believe that we're already in July! Mid-July at that! It's my mommy's birthday in 6 days! And then it will be my birthday in less than a month! I feel really different. Time has helped changed me and I'm grateful for that. I'm stronger, wiser, more informed, more confident, and happy with me. Sure, there's a lot of rough spots right now, there always will be, but overall I'm happy! I know who I am, what I want, and how I want to be. Summer classes are hard... but now I realize why people say that... time creeps along and you get distracted and don't get any work done! I have another calc midterm this week... wish me luck... I really need to do well in this class and I will!

cindy the insomniac

2009-07-08T01:38:00.000-07:00

Apparently these days, I don't sleep at night... I have to get better at that... well, there's always a ton on my mind but instead of sorting them out I'll eat a mint Brussel and tell you a couple of secrets...

1. Almost every time I walk into a bathroom alone and push open a stall door, I brace myself to see a dead body.

2. Every now and then I'll get distracted and, while doing my own thing, I'll catch a glimpse of someone beautiful. Slightly jealous, I'll glance back up to size up the competition and realize I'm looking into a mirror, feel foolish, and shrug it all off.

Hmmm... Everything is finally on stand still... I feel a void of drama... And it's not that I necessarily want the drama, it's just that after so much after so much to deal with, it seems so absent that I don't know what to think. OR. Maybe there could be more drama but since I've had so much drama I'm trying to slink past it... Maybe that's why I stay up late and sleep in... Less time to think about things and more time to disappear. Oh that's terrible! And not true. I'm happy with life. I really am. And I know everything will work out the way it should. I'm excited for when everything will be in play again. ok! I'm going to try to sleep. Wish me luck... 3 and a half hours before I need to be up and running!

I love love?

2009-06-11T10:20:00.000-07:00

Oh The Format: I love love, I love being in love, I don't care what it does to me...

haha the funny thing is even then, the song goes on about all the crappy things that come out of love... Man. I never thought I would love anyone. And then I do fall in love with someone amazing. I'm not even going to act bitter and say he's terrible or anything like that. I just wish he would express himself better to me. BECAUSE. Right now I don't know what to think. He said he wants us to be together during the fall, and right now we're taking a break that consists of us still being together but being allowed to date other people. So confusing. I am in the wet cement of relationships, and I will be in this condition for another 12 weeks or so. I just wish I knew what he was really thinking. What are you thinking? Are we really getting back together? Are you hoping I find someone else so you don't have to break it to me? I called him a few days ago. His friend had told me that I should tell him how I'm feeling and that would help. I agreed that he deserved to know how I feel. I told him that I do love him and I miss him and blah blah. His response? "Oh I miss you so much! Yeah.. this is really hard because I want this break but I miss you, you know?" No I love you anywhere to be seen. And sure, to comfort me people say that it could have been implied or that I'm looking at the one thing that was lacking from the conversation when, in reality, it was a good talk. I don't know. I really don't. But you know? We are taking a break, and breaks consist of not talking, doing other things, and not worrying about things. It's a break... supposedly breaks are good things usually. Breaks from school, work, relationships. Then why does it hurt so much? I get so mad at myself for missing him and wanting to talk to him. I think I've lost him and I feel completely responsible.... Only 12 weeks to find out if that's true.

And a moment of reflection...

2009-06-08T23:05:00.000-07:00

I’m sorry for my anger towards you. I’m just hurt by all of this. I guess I just need to take a step back and look at this all from different points of view. But viewing it from yours? That might hurt me. But you know, a break is good. Space is good. There’s a lot of baggage that’s come into this relationship and by taking a step back, it’s like getting a clean slate ready for the fall. Won’t that be awesome? Won’t it be awesome to be able to think we both want to be clean and pure and we’re both willing to try again? I’m excited to have a bunch of new firsts. First kiss again, first “I love you” again, first time holding hands again, first time cuddling up and watching a movie again, first argument that we hurdle with no problem again, first picture again, first car ride again, first date again- it really is like starting all over... again. I guess I just have to let you go for now. Let you go to get you back. Is that what you’re trying to do? Have you known this all along? I just gave a guy friend a hug that wears your same cologne and now I have your smell all around me... It hurt me for a while... and you still hurt me every now and then. Everything reminds me of you. Everything. Even the exit of the mall, or passing down Center Street, especially passing down Center Street. Am I losing you? No. I keep setting myself up for hurt. I trust you. I trust what you’ve said, but I get scared that you’ll forget me or not want me. You’ll still want me, right? I hope you still will... You know. I know you still will. I’m the girl of your dreams, according to you. I’m the most amazing girl you’ve ever met, right? You can’t imagine your future without me? I can’t imagine my future without you. Ok. ok. We’ll be ok. All I have to remember is that every good relationship starts over again and again and that you do want to date me in the fall. And if that’s what you’ve said, then that’s what you’re planning on and that’s what I need to plan on too. We’ll be great. I know we will. Everything will work out for the best. And hurting over it will only make it slower. Oh summer, please hurry and be done! I’ll enjoy you, but if I promise to enjoy you, will you hurry for me? I’d appreciate it... thanks summer. Oh Mitchell Robbie Dunn, what have you done to me?

In a moment of pain...

2009-06-08T23:04:00.000-07:00

I’m not your pretty little doll

That speaks every time you command

I’m not your hand-carved puppet

Moving whenever you demand

How dare you try to humble me

To break me down and crumble me

How dare you try to tug me along

Directing me to sing your song

I’m tired of your foolish game

Or trying to think the best of you

I’m tired of constantly clearing your name

and trying to wish the best for you

Then why is it so hard for me

To cut the threads and let you go?

Why is it so hard for me?

To be honest and just let you know

You’ve hurt me and I think you’re wrong

With the way that you’ve been treating “us”

And I’m not sure if I want you back

How do I even know that I can trust

Everything you’ve ever said

when we were on a different track

For now I think I’ll tuck you away

And let time do exactly what it may

Because this pretty little doll

Has her own voice, after all

And now she’s going to walk away

And be fine without you every day.

Hm...

2009-06-06T16:26:00.000-07:00

No one's ever told me it like that before. Or maybe this time I was just ready to hear it after it being smashed into me so many times. I went for a walk with this friend and he told me that I shouldn't have trust issues. That it's crazy that I do if I do. And it's true. But the way he said it really hit me... I have no reason to have trust issues! I'm a fun, happy, and confident person and everything will always work out for the best for me. Hm...

Hmm.. honda!

2009-06-06T02:14:00.000-07:00

[continued]***

2009-06-06T02:05:00.000-07:00

Yes, my hair was reddish for a while..

Then I went back to the fringe...

Started letting it grow out...

Looking at this picture hurts...

And this is one of the most recent pictures of me to date.

[continued]**

2009-06-06T02:03:00.001-07:00

mid 1st semester

football game- at night

I chopped it off...

First visit back home...

my brother's growing up too!

[continued]*

2009-06-06T02:00:00.000-07:00

aww.

valedictorian- my crowning moment

unconventional prom

roadtrip to college

one of my first college activities

A Timeline of Sorts...

2009-06-06T01:47:00.000-07:00

Well. At least I'm playing catch up, right? I can't sleep.. so to entertain myself I've decided to trace parts of my life through picture.... I think it'd be interesting to compare the changes... enjoy!

Reminiscing...

2009-06-05T22:43:00.000-07:00

It was 11:47pm when I was surprised to hear the faint purring of my phone against a book in my purse. It was 11:47:46 when I was surprised to see a name I once saw possibly too frequently. And it was 11:52pm when I was even more surprised to feel the churns in my stomach and the blushing of cheeks when he said he missed me.

I guess I have a lot of time on my hands today...

2009-06-05T20:11:00.000-07:00

This is from postsecrets and I love it... so I wanted to share.

The Assassination of Landon Stone-part 1

2009-06-05T17:30:00.001-07:00

Landon Stone was a quiet whisper of a person. I met him twice. And twice I was kindly met with softly spoken words and a lowered head. Twice, I was warmly indifferent and twice the thought of Landon Stone was brushed away from my memory as more vivid and/or important moments met my busy mind.

I heard that Landon Stone often went away on business trips. However, further details concerning these trips were never related before or after the trips came to pass. For some reason Landon Stone felt the need to be very private about them. If ever a question was asked he would simply stutter a quaint, vague response and then would hurriedly leave the presence of the inquirer. Only on his final trip were all the details neatly placed on several black and white columns and rows, and even then, it wasn't because Landon let the details trickle, but because a reporter chose to let them flow almost as swiftly as Landon's blood had flowed from his veins to the cement in a matter of minutes.

He had parted at 4:47am on one of the first flights to Pisa, Italy on AirFrance. He was seen waiting for boarding with a small black and green carry-on a little to the right of his leg and a brown, worn satchel with a small, bronze buckle kept on his lap, his left hand slightly tucked under the flap, his thumb the only digit visible, rubbing the top edge. 28 hours and 2 connections later, the relatively young Mr. Stone left the airport in a white taxi cab driven by an older man whose face wore several creased wrinkles and a slight, close-mouthed smile. They drove out about 19 miles to Marina di Pisa in complete silence as Landon, squinting, gazed out the window at the passing greens, grays, blues, and yellows. He checked into Boboba Il Villagio, took his key from the small receptionist lady at the front desk, went into his apartment, left his black and green carry-on on the couch in the living room, and, still cradling the worn satchel in his arms, sat on the crisp, white sheets of the queen size bed and stared at the painting of an Italian scene that hung across the way.

So... it's been a while.

2009-06-05T15:46:00.000-07:00

Ok ok... so I'm not the best blogger in the world... but I need a positive outlet and this can definitely be one. Yay! I'm back... and ready to smile and share what I've got. I've decided I'm going to do an "Anecdote of the Week" piece, too. Life is pretty interesting right now. And the more I write down, the more I will remember later on... Man. I really don't feel well right now but I have to go to work... and one of my main bosses is going to be there... I will deliver! I will stand out! And I will give my best! Wish me luck ;)

Time to Fall...

2008-05-25T01:30:00.000-07:00

I have come to realize that it's time to be vulnerable. I'm ready to fall. And when I say I'm ready to fall, I mean I'm ready to fall truly in love with someone that will fall for me too. I was talking to Heather about it and just seeing how she expressed her love for someone special to her, I wanted to cry. Love and I are ready to open up to each other and embrace what we have to offer each other. One, two, three- release. I'm in the air and looking forward to what's at the bottom of this jump.

The First of Many...

2008-05-20T00:42:00.000-07:00

I'm excited to think that I can share this with all my family and loved ones while recording memories and thoughts. There's always so much to say about everything that has been said and done but somehow it never gets done. (Look at the play on words in that sentence, haha.) Well, here's to making the effort! :)
P.S> This is me with some fun makeup and eyelashesl I like the way my eyes look.
I was bored one day so I went to Nordstrom for a free consultation and new ideas for how to do my own makeup!